(1) Give kids responsibility and agency as early as possible.
As God’s Image Bearers, people are designed for responsibility, the opportunity to take ownership of a task or decision and exercise agency over it. Parents do their kids no favors by doing everything for them, even at a young age. The earlier children recognize their responsibilities at home and in life, the sooner they mature toward self-reliance. Not the philosophical autonomous self-reliance that denies God and functionally operates as though the “self” (however defined) is sovereign. I am referring to a proper self-reliance of being able to care for oneself in areas of personal hygiene, keeping a clean room, preparing one’s own meals, doing laundry, knowing the way to and from school, home, church, and the store.
The movie Home Alone comes to mind here. Despite its humor and intended entertainment, I have always admired how capable eight-year-old Kevin McCallister was in the first film. Despite the obvious parental failure of leaving the child behind, the McCallister parents had clearly taught Kevin a little something about cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and keeping an eye out for bad guys.
With our own children, it is important to give them agency in decision-making early on. Perhaps it is picking out their clothes every morning before school, helping a younger sibling brush her teeth, or being responsible for feeding the fish. As early as four and five years old, kids come alive seeing how they contribute to the home, not just consume in the home.
(2) Invite kids to weigh in on problem-solving matters for the family.
In his excellent book The Vanishing American Adult (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2017), Ben Sasse advises parents to invite their kids into the family decisions to help solve problems. These are not necessarily major financial or moral problems. Rather, it is something like planning part of the family vacation.
Inviting our kids to plan the details for a trip from Bunn, NC to Boston, MA, how many stops we will need, major sites to see along the way, all within a twenty-four-hour period with one overnight stay in the city of their choice at a hotel that is under $150 per night, invites them to put their fingerprints all over the details of the trip. Mom and Dad decided the location, the total length of the trip, and the total budget. But the kids were invited to plan much of the in-between. This forces them to problem solve, manage a budget, and work together to negotiate priorities.
Once the family embarks on this trip, suddenly the kids are not nearly as bored and screen-attached as they would have been otherwise. They already know “how much farther” because they mapped the next stop. They recognize the sites and landmarks, even the ones they didn’t plan to stop and see. The conversations in the van are far richer and more meaningful for parents and kids alike because they helped solve the problem. They had buy-in because they had weigh-in on the decisions, and their voices were heard.
These experiences in the home go a long way toward preparing kids for work and family life as adults. I’ve often admired the children of missionary families for a keen sense of what I call the “figure it out” life skill. So often, those who have grown up overseas without all of the American comforts and conveniences are not only resilient in life, but they also know how to problem-solve, how to “figure it out” in situations where so many other young people tend to give up or call their parents.
(3) Let them make mistakes and help them learn from them.
My dad put me behind the push mower at a very young age, barely big enough to see over the handlebar. My lines were crooked for a while before I learned to steer the mower straight and cut the grass efficiently. Dad advised along the way, but it was less correcting and more coaching. It was an opportunity to mess up with a low risk of serious damage either to myself or someone else. I remember being terrified that I would make a mistake, and in fact, I did make mistakes. But the mistakes were my tutors. Part of learning to work is learning from mistakes. And part of parenting is offering opportunities where mistakes are okay.
Good parenting includes consistent discipline for mistakes. But what is our discipline for? Unto what end? The purpose of discipline is to direct our kids’ hearts and actions toward a way of life that aligns with the way of Christ. But as parents, we must remember, sometimes our kids (and us!) learn best through mistakes.
At times, then, we must allow our kids the space to make mistakes. I’m not suggesting handing them the keys to the truck at age 10 or leaving them home alone before they’re ready. But do look for opportunities to let your kids do things themselves without your help and maybe without your presence, knowing that they may mess up.
No comments have been added.