My husband and I walked in the door to a foyer teeming with children. We entered the sanctuary and sat down in the back, where I began counting the number of pregnant women in the pews around us.
We had just moved to a new town and were visiting a church. My husband had to drag me there because I didn’t want to go. I thought it would be painful to be surrounded by what I wanted desperately, but God had not yet given.
My assumptions proved correct. As I flipped through the bulletin, I noticed ministries for singles, newly marrieds, families with kids, empty nesters — but nothing for childless, not-wedded-yesterday couples.
I was already feeling rejected by God. Now, I felt left out of His church.
Left Out of the Club
Over the years I have found biblical comfort and hope. I’ve discovered that God is committed to redeem the sorrows in our lives through the death and resurrection of His Son. But couples who struggle with infertility can feel forgotten and isolated as I did – especially in environments like church that emphasize families and childrearing.
As the leader of an infertility support ministry, I’ve heard from women describing upsetting circumstances when someone at church inferred their infertility was caused by sin. This assumption adds to the shame those dealing with infertility already face, and it makes them feel excluded from fellowship in the body of Christ.
One woman in an online support group describes her loneliness this way:
I find church the hardest place to be at the moment. The lack of understanding has floored me. I can’t bear more hurt by other believers.
In my experience, most insensitive comments about infertility stem from ignorance about the subject. It’s hard to understand what you haven’t personally suffered.
As with other rarely discussed health issues, many people aren’t aware of the ramifications of infertility.
They don’t know infertility affects one in eight couples. They haven’t felt the embarrassment of being the only couple in church without kids to send to Sunday school. They aren’t experiencing the month-to-month roller coaster of emotional and sometimes physical pain, only to be told by someone in Bible study the well-meaning but hurtful advice: “You just need to trust God and relax.”
Instead of perpetuating unwitting insensitivity, the church can seek better understanding about infertility to build one another up in unity of faith.
Infertility is a life crisis which entails a grieving process.
Bearing One Another’s Burdens
Armed with greater knowledge and empathy, we can help carry the burdens of those who are suffering this type of disappointment. Working together, we can create an environment of compassion, rather than exclusion from the baby club.
1. Teach.
Scripture tells us children are a blessing (Psalm 127:3-5). We are familiar with the command to “be fruitful and multiply,” though some of us miss the context and construe it as an assurance of reproductive ability. But how many churches have spent time expounding upon the many accounts of delayed fertility recorded in the Bible?
In miraculous displays backing up His declaration in Genesis 18:14, “Is anything too hard for the Lord?”, God enables seven women whom the Bible describes as “barren” to conceive for His divine purposes: Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Samson’s mother, Hannah, the Shunammite woman in 2 Kings and Elizabeth.
If you’re a pastor or ministry leader, you can preach sermons and offer Bible studies examining these stories. Don’t offer these women as a prescription for fertility success but to demonstrate God’s attentiveness to His children who are longing for a blessing.
2. Recognize appropriately.
Mother’s Day is painful for women experiencing infertility and miscarriage. Having to stay seated while most every other woman in the congregation stands for applause or receives a rose cuts like a dagger to the heart of a woman who desires but hasn’t yet been given children.
While you can honor moms on that Sunday, you can also acknowledge the sorrow this day stirs for those who’ve lost a baby or haven’t been able to conceive. Rather than making an ostentatious display showing the haves and have-nots, make it a point from the pulpit to commend all women who do important work “mothering” others in practical and spiritual ways and affirm the value of every believing woman as a daughter of Christ.
Apart from Mother’s Day, consider planning an annual service honoring the losses associated with miscarriage and infertility, such as Tish Warren’s Service of Memorial and Lament. Similarly, just as churches hold infant dedications or baptism services, provide prayer times for couples waiting for children, petitioning the Lord for healing, peace and wisdom on behalf of those undergoing medical tests and treatments or who are pursuing adoption.
3. Adjust your focus.
Churches have traditionally emphasized marriage and motherhood as worthy aspirations, and for good reasons. Yet somewhere along the way, we propped up the role of mother as the ultimate calling for all women, to the point that some women’s ministries are structured solely around mom life activities and events.
Though well-intended, an overemphasis can devalue women who don’t have the label of “mother” and dismiss the vital role all women play in the church.
To better serve and utilize the giftings of women, those who are in church leadership can broaden its focus on the Kingdom callings of women to include motherhood and other areas of service, such as administration, outreach, teaching, organization, communication and many other facets that are all needed to keep a church alive and thriving as one body growing up in Christ (Ephesians 4:15-16).
4. Support these families.
Infertility is a life crisis which entails a grieving process. To serve people in the congregation as well as reach out to your community, you can host or help individuals start support groups, providing safe places for people to share their struggles and comfort one another with the comfort God supplies (2 Corinthians 1:4). If you offer a resource library, stock it with books written for those facing infertility, infant loss and childlessness. Thanks to increasing awareness, we have more faith-based resources addressing these issues at our disposal today than we did 10 years ago, but we need more still.
God remembers couples experiencing infertility by keeping His promise to work for the good of all His children. Everyone in the church, from pastor to parishioner, can love those who are suffering in our midst by encouraging those who are aching for a child and pointing to Christ as our ultimate hope for a fulfilling life.
Comments and Pingbacks
2019-04-24 13:38:17
Theron St. John
As a single serving as an associate pastor of youth and family at my church, I've desired to go beyond the traditional understanding of the role. In my view, when I say "family", I'm not meaning merely the nuclear family; it is meant to include family as in church family. Therefore, I've sought ways how I can care for and shepherd blended families, families with special needs, etc. This article on how to love couples dealing with infertility is an exhortation I needed to be reminded of to hear and heed. Thank you!
2019-04-26 21:53:44
Intersect Staff
Thank you for this comment, and we're glad the article has served you well!
2019-04-25 15:33:48
Michael R Pope
Excellent article Jenn!!! Thank you for bringing this important issue to the attention of the local church. Sadly this is an ongoing challenge the church has generally struggled to address in a biblical manner for many years now!!! As the article points out, childless couples as well as single adults have not fared all that well within the church for a variety of reasons: unbiblical understandings about what it means to be a childless couple or a single adult, often well-meaning but misguided attempts, if made at all, to minister to these two groups, etc. Thank you again for writing/posting this article to "Intersect". In Jesus' great and glorious Name, Michael R Pope :-)
2019-04-26 21:53:00
Intersect Staff
We're glad you enjoyed this article, Michael!
2019-08-21 13:00:58
Teri
I have felt very isolated at church because my husband and I are childless. It is hard to even find books on Christian childless couples (childless for whatever reason). It is a complicated and misunderstood (and not talked about) issue. I can imagine that singles in the church feel a similar isolation. Thank you for bringing light to this issue.
2019-08-21 13:55:40
Intersect Staff
We're sorry for the hurt you've experienced; yes, this issue is certainly misunderstood. We're grateful this article was an encouragement to you. Thank you for commenting!
2021-01-17 09:09:25
Erica Baccus
Thank you for saying about the isolation. Being single and mid 40s I've avoided church for many years as alas churches and parishes overall are short of being fully welcoming, understanding and accepting. The focus is strongly traditional and pronatilsim which I feel constantly excluded or sense of ongoing shame. The unrealistic expectations of single chlidless women within a church community doesn't acknowledge the disenfranchised grief that is life long. There are times when its not so bad and other stages in life it is. Some churches have started to have services around the time of mothers day father's day, Chrsirmas which are purely for the childlness. I had to travel to one yet it was the first time to have a space in a church with others who were not going to be hurt or triggered by the parish/congregation/surmon/prayers and more on. Such a relief too whilst giving us space. Oh how I wish there where more like those including online services too. Churches need to do more and better whilst really learning, listening and sharing together. Childlness is an emotive real issue that a congregation need to support and value each other and reduce the focus/status about parenthood. The church can lead by example. Thank you for raising such an important part of being human.
2020-05-08 10:41:39
5 Mother's Day Resources: Adoption, Infertility, Aging Parents, and More | Intersect
[…] 4 Ways Your Church Can Love the ChildlessJenn Hesse: “Motherâs Day is painful for women experiencing infertility and miscarriage. Having to stay seated while most every other woman in the congregation stands for applause or receives a rose cuts like a dagger to the heart of a woman who desires but hasnât yet been given children.” […]
2021-02-12 15:59:45
Laura Piotrowski
Thank you for writing this article. I appreciated the content as it is a very misunderstood topic that has limited resources even still. Personally, my husband and I struggle with our place in the body of believers because every church we have ever attended is crafted and functions by means of families--and we are not. We are two people who are not single, not newly married, not parents of preschoolers, not adopting, not parents of x-aged children, not empty nesters, not grandparents. And we didn't choose this, God did which makes it all the more difficult for us to talk about it with others and find understanding. Your point about speaking from Scripture about God's concern for the barren, seems well intentioned, but in my own experience these stories are ultimately used to convey hope for those couples who still have reason to expect biological or adopted children. We have heard all the stories of miracle babies (inside the Bible and out)--but that wasn't God's plan for us, and that is where the story fails and falls silent. One final point I would like to note about this particular article: it is written well and the points in it are useful particularly when trying to minister to young couples who are still living with hope of having children. But it is also written by a woman who has children, and most of it is clearly written from the perspective that infertility may only be temporary. But what of the couple whose journey does not end with a child?
2021-02-12 21:35:37
Intersect Staff
Thank you so much for reading this article and interacting with it. We weep with you that you feel homeless in the church because of how churches organize their ministries. As a point of clarification, at the time of writing, Jenn and her husband's children came via adoption. Again, thank you for commenting. We pray the church at large can be more gracious and loving!